State of grace
how God used Taylor Swift's Eras Tour to bring me + my teen back together
*TBH, this was a hard one to write, but to lighten the mood I sprinkled in an obscene amount of Taylor Swift song references, listed in full at the end!
I’ve been diving deep into book edits and percolating a name change to this newsletter, but for the past week my thoughts have been consumed with Taylor Swift. Specifically, I’m thinking about her Eras Tour in Minneapolis, which I attended last weekend alongside my superfan teenage daughter and thousands of other women — many of whom were obviously related.
And amidst the palpable elation of the crowd, my overwhelming takeaway is that nobody brings mothers and daughters, sisters, friends, and perfect strangers together for a good time like Taylor Swift.
Even a mother and daughter who are healing from a year-long relationship strain.
By societal standards, I’m a young mom. I gave birth to my daughter Lola one month to the day after my twenty-first birthday, which means in many ways we grew up together – for better or for worse. Most of the time, it was the best; what I lacked in financial stability and life experience, I made up for in spontaneity and fun. We did everything together, our happiness often scored to the soundtrack of Taylor Swift.
Taylor’s Red album brought us together in our first tiny apartment in the city after my divorce, where preschooler Lola & I’d binge her videos on my MacBook for hours. As she grew up, we could never afford tickets to Taylor’s tours, but that didn’t stop me and my Swiftie from having one million 1989 dance parties in the kitchen and blaring Reputation while driving around town with the windows down. One year for Lola’s birthday she requested a huge Taylor Swift cake.
As she grew up, we stayed thick as thieves, tied together with an invisible string. Lola’s my #WomenWalkWednesday companion, my thrifting pal, and the best travel buddy – which is how we ended up in a super sketchy cabin up north in the hottest week of July during the Covid quarantine. We didn’t have air conditioning (or soap in the bathroom?) but we did have Taylor Swift’s Folklore album, which we listened to in its entirety while crafting our brains out on the porch, because the air outside was cooler than inside (we couldn’t tolerate it, and ended up driving in a getaway car home a night early to escape the blazing hellscape of that cabin!).
But our enviably close relationship took a hit when, at the tail end of her eighth grade year, we had a falling out. In typical kid fashion, Lola did something that broke my trust; and in one of my worst young mom moments on record, I overreacted terribly. The punishment did not fit the crime. I was unreasonable in my expectations, borderline mean in my demands, and honestly…I think I broke her heart.
I pushed hard to get our relationship back on track. She pulled away, like any teenager would do. We drifted apart after that. And a cruel summer ensued.
Dear reader, this gives me no pleasure to write about, as I quickly knew all too well (Taylor’s version) that I had made a huge mistake. But I didn’t know what to do to fix it. How do you come back as a loving, supportive mom after becoming the anti-hero in your kid's life? How do you dust off, begin again?
I became fueled by the guilt of my actions, which I couldn’t stop replaying in my mind.
But when I am at my lowest point I usually meet God, and this time was no exception. Sensing the presence of Unconditional Love, I prayed for forgiveness, for restoration of what was lost, and for the strength to be the mom my teen needs. My faith in Jesus informs my belief that there is a second, third, or four hundredth chance for all people, unbelievably, even for me; and that while I may be young and I’d messed up royally, nothing is wasted in the stories God writes with our lives.
Our love story wasn’t finished yet, even if it felt like it.
When the Taylor Swift Eras Tour was announced last fall, I wasn’t trying to mend things with Lola by getting us tickets. I just knew she wanted to go – she had sent me all the information, including the presale site where you needed to become a Verified Fan and receive an access code, just to get on the waitlist behind thousands of people hoping to get in – and that, shockingly, she wanted to go with me. I would have walked on flaming hot coals to end the great war between us, so of course I said yes when she asked me to get in the online queue during the school day when the tickets launched.
I doubted we’d get in, having watched all morning as so many of my friends glitched out in the Ticketmaster checkout. Still I left the tab open as I stuffed my phone into my pocket walking in to a doctor’s appointment; when I left the clinic an hour later, the miraculous words “choose your seats” had appeared on the screen.
And suddenly, there was something to look forward to, even if it was months and one forever winter away. A bright spot appeared in the bleak landscape of our relationship. It felt like mercy, like a state of grace.
As the snow on the beach at the lakes by our house melted, signaling spring, the concert was approaching – and Lola informed me that I had a lot of songs to learn. She got busy planning her outfit and pestering me to pick mine, because superfans dress for the show as one of Taylor’s ten Eras. We both landed on LOVER, because of the cute pink heart and dreamlike hues of that album cover. Sourcing our pastel dresses and white cowgirl boots and just the right accessories brought us together at the mall, together on the couch for online shopping sessions, together over the mutual goal of finding just the right glitter and gemstones to really shine for Taylor.
Every piece of the planning proved to be worth it, because being genuinely interested in what she’s into brought us closer together. The distance between us began to dissipate.
Our car rides became holy ground for Taylor Swift singalongs again, Lola connecting her phone to the AUX cable and blasting the entire set list plus an assortment of random tracks, because Taylor notoriously plays two surprise songs per set in each city, and we had to be prepared. We got our nails painted together in an identical pattern, a different color for every Era on each fingernail. We started making friendship bracelets, and getting excited to trade them.
Two days before the show, we got a small pink and white cake and asked the bakery to write “TSwift” on top in blue (Lola’s idea — she really does have the best ideas and they often involve cake!).
The night before the show we were up well past midnight eating cake and making bracelets, Lola singing along to the soundtrack to her childhood, Taylor Swift’s music still bringing out the inner four year old inside my fifteen year old girl. I thought my heart might burst.
The next day, our car became a personal party bus as we drove downtown covered in glitter, looking glam, the number “13” written on our left hands, blaring Taylor Swift in traffic from the speakers of our Subaru. It was so fun, and she looked so gorgeous!
Upon arrival, we were immediately stuck in a swarming, sweaty, crowd of people moving at snail speed through the stadium. I had to pray and box breathe all the way to our seats, but Lola kept her hand on my shoulder like you need to calm down; she kept telling me, “it’s going to be okay”.
And it was more than okay. It was truly incredible! Taylor Swift is a phenomenal performer, and although she’s set to have the highest grossing global tour in concert history, she still engages her audience unlike a megastar, but a friend. And her fans are so kind – as evidenced by the friendship bracelet trading and everyone complimenting each other’s outfits and offering up earplugs. It was a beautiful sight.
When a bejeweled Taylor came onstage it felt like an electric current surged through the stands.
I savored every second of dancing with Lola to Shake-It-Off like she was seven years old again, singing at the top of our lungs, taking photos and videos (too many, both of our phones filled up), holding each other’s hands as we screamed between sets, and just generally being amazed that we were there experiencing history in the making together. The hearts we’d put around our eyes in gemstones stayed in place until the end, which is a miracle considering I cried several times in between Eras — not out of sadness, but for the pure joy of experiencing this with my daughter after twelve months of bad blood between us.
Call it what you want, but it felt like the redemption I prayed for.
It was the best day.
I’m not naive enough to think God’s grace and redemption will always come through a big dramatic experience like a Taylor Swift concert, but this time, it did. And as for our relationship you may be wondering, are we out of the woods yet? For now, we are. But I can guarantee I will miss the mark as her mom a million more times before she’s grown. I’ll lose my composure and my temper, and she will suffer the hazards of having a young mom, but there will also be so much laughter and togetherness and forgiveness and Taylor Swift dance parties, too. And through all of these, I am learning how to be and letting God mold me into a softer, more loving person every day.
Nothing is wasted. God can turn anything into a sweeping demonstration of grace.
I’m convinced that no one brings people who have fallen apart back together like God, who knows better than we do what we really need and is gracious to freely give.
And nobody brings people together for a good time like Taylor Swift.
“That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” Romans 8:28
Edited to add: All of this was shared with permission.
Also, a reader emailed asking me if I’d apologized to my teen. Of course I have - profusely - and I’m sorry that wasn’t abundantly clear!
Here’s a full list of the songs referenced in this essay!
Fifteen, Anti-hero, Begin Again, All Too Well (Taylor’s version), Dear Reader, State of Grace, Love Story, The Great War, Holy Ground, The Lakes, Snow on the Beach, Forever Winter, Cruel Summer, Mean, Getaway Car, Tolerate It, Invisible String, Happiness, Out of the Woods, Best Day, Call It What You Want, Bad Blood, Shake-It-Off, Bejeweled, Lover, You Need to Calm Down, Gorgeous (Swifties, did I miss any??)
This was so fun to read! 🫶🏻
Beautiful Kylee! Praise God He's in the business of redemption.